Alright, it's memorial day weekend and I have nothing interesting going on in my life, yay. What a ball. I might be going to maryland something this weekend, which would be sweet as all hell but I doubt it, also I get my SAT scores back soon, in about 8 hours actually if they don't have any problems with releasing it from there freaken website (CollegeBoard.org. I'm thinking about taking a nap shortly, which should tell you just how tired I am right now. The only thing is if I take a nap now there's a good chance I won't wake up till 4 or 5 in the morning, which would be rather annoying considering how I wish to talk to talk to a few people. Someone sent me a cool link yesterday, but I can't find it so oh well ;) Alright nevermind, I remembered the site it was on and tracked it down within the site, it's a news article concerning the pope and I think it pretty clearly shows my opinion of the church,Pope Forgives Molested Children I mean come on, stuff like that used to really happen within, and I wouldn't be to surprised to find out if stuff like that still does happen. I highly dislike organized religion, not just because it's religion but because almost all religions are hypocritical in nature. They'll say "love thy neighbor" and than the next day when that very same neighbor happens to have said something against the church it'll be "kill the heretic", and while that example might be a little bit outdated, at least as far as most people can tell. I highly doubt that things like that have stopped occuring in other less developed nations. hmm, enough of a rant on that subject even if that wasn't much of one, I'm much to tired to continue on that little tirade, if that can even qualify as one.

It took me about 30 seconds to decide on which word to use for that (tirade is what I ended with obviously) the first two words I thought of didn't even mean anything close to what I wanted. The first one I came up with was debacle, and the second one was tangent... so don't ask, although feel free to explain it to me if you can, maybe they sound like some other word that I'm currently incapable of thinking of

cya


Lifebane@optonline.net

I started to try and write a story before, and I realized two things. One I should NOT try and write on days when I haven't taken my pills (for ADD) because I can't concentrate in the slightest without them, and two I suck at descriptions ;)

A guy walks into a bar, he sits down on a stool and he begins to tell a tale


uh ok, fuck that. I can't concentrate enough to write this for more than 10 seconds, closing my head and blocking the visual stimulation helps a little bit, and that's the only reason I've made it so far in this paragraph. No weird thoughts today, although you've probably gotten a decent view inside my pysche and how ADD effects me.

Uhh, ouch, I'm doing about 2 lines every 10 minutes... good night people...

I'm just to damn tired to talk anymore :(

Lifebane@optonline.net

no energy whatsoever today, so this is going to be a really short update hopefully, of course since I said that it'll probably turn out to be a multi-paged essay on how inane I am and how tired I am at this minute. But hopefully I'll be able to resist the pull of the dark side of the force (since the duct tape that's keeping me sitting up-right on this chair is stronger). Last day of softball today, so I can rest from my position as manager and actually do stuff during the day now. I'm gonna start swimming again now, or at least try and do it. Who knows though, what the wheel wills, the wheel weaves... (yet another random quote that I've managed to screw up!)

So in keeping with my promise of keeping this update short, I'll only mention one other thing in the vein (sp?) hope that I'll look at this post and remember to talk about it, since it was really cool. Actually two things. One of them is an article on how The Bush Administration has changed their position on the 2nd amendment (right to bear arms) and the other one was on the xbox live (the online gaming network), and how it's apparently going to have more bandwidth available to it than microsoft.com which is just fucking scary man... (I think that's my curse of the day there!) anyway, night people



Lifebane@optonline.net

bored bored bored bored bored.... (please note the total lack of punctuation)

Today was a totally nondescript day, nothing happened that would make a heart sing, It all went by in a blur. Did a pre-write for an essay, that I've got to do tommorow, today... Nothing else is worth evne putting in these hallowed pages and the above isn't really either, but it's something to say.

I have a sense of total blankness right now, like I could stare into a wall quite content for hours, or at least if not content, not preoccupied with anything else. Although the more I think about it the more things that seem to cloud my mind. Have you ever noticed how your mind can be absouletly clear, perfectly lucid (fear my mad redundancy skills) till you realize that it's clear, and than all of a sudden these various things just start to float in, not all at once but still quite swiftly, filling your mind till you've got to concentrate on something, or else your brain will overflow, or something like that. Hmmm I'm feeling very... calm? right now, a little bit of sadness thrown in too, but not so much, also very tired and kind of warm. I'm not really sure what's causing any of this (minus the tiredness anyway), but I guess I might as well take advantage of this calmness no matter how ephemeral it is. I can actually feel it rotting away and my normal "nerves" or whatever tf they are coming back. Way to tired to deal with a torrent of emotions though, so I guess I'll just have to beat them back with a stick and be calm and composed for a few minutes (like a normal person, even!).

The total lack of energy is kind of making me ansy right now, so I might have to escalate* (hmm, I hate using the word like that, I'd rather use increase, but it's fine this once...) my activities, maybe if I just type faster for a few and tire out my wrist? ah well, no clue about what to do. What I really want right now is... sex, but I'm not fucking moving right now, I don't want to even stand up right now, so why would i want to do something so stimulating that requires so much exertion? Although if there's someone out there who would like to perform certain services for me, just email me. Although mind you, I don't want to even have to move, you should be able to pick the lock on my door so that I don't have to get up and it would be nice if you could breath for me to, since that's getting kind of tedious after all these years.

I'm thinking about actually reading my Word A Day Emails, I mean, I joined them to improve my vocabulary but to do that I actually have to read the damn freaken emails...

Oh yeah, yesterday I started a list, just because the idea struck me, of People I've Got to Kill Before I Take Over the World, on my AIM subprofile (evil little fad, but it can be used expressively, even if it rarely used so). So far I've got like 6 or 7 people on it, which is fairly crappy or a sign that I'm really damn secure in my ability to take over the world with my supreme intellect and my masterful powers of persuasion, coupled of course with my ability to press a little red button and incinerate a continent. Not like something like that wouldn't bolster anyones confidence, but still... it's a pretty little red button... ;) Bright, Shiny object...

God I love those things, they just glimmer a little bit and I'm right on them, although I love superballs (read: bouncy balls) even more, especially the ones that shine... oh so nice and bright... uhhh, sorry. I'm craving one of those bitches, and I fortunetly have a hundred or so of them (literally), unfortunetly they're in my room and that's to far away right now... so I guess I'll have to deal for a few minutes...



*When I think of escalation I think of, To make higher, to rise, to increase in intensity (but when I use it in that sense I think more along the lines of something important, usually a battle



Lifebane@optonline.net

hmmm, my eyes are tired again, I really need to go to the eye doctor. Sometime soon I guess, I was just talking about that with someone a few days ago, I need to find a new doctor though, the one I used to is a pain in the ass to get an appointment with, 2 month wait to get an appointment, and he's expensive as hell. But I really need to see if I can get corrective glasses or something, I'd really like lasiks (sp?) but I'm coin g to have to wait a couple froe years, hopefully by than they'll know whether or not there are any long term side affects to it. I'm really damn tired actually, I only got about seven and a half hours of sleep (and if you're wondering why I didn't use numbers for that it's because guess what, my eyes are closed and I'm not completely proficient with the numpad above the keys, the other one I'm great with...) and I really need to start getting more sleep, more often. Eight or nine hours a day would be so much healthier and I'd feel so much better... I have a new song addiction btw, Let the bodies hit the floor by Drowning in a pool of blood. Kickass song, I just randomly started to crave it a few days ago and so I downloaded it and played it about 25 times the day before.... hmmm and I just realized that I used the numpad and didn't realize it, weird I guess I am at least slightly more proficient in it than I thought I was.... I might even spell check this one, because I used it. I'm checking every 30 seconds or so, because sometimes I think I typo and I haven't even if that is kinda rare... and of course since I'm tired I'm rambling like I always do. Oh well, glad I did that one of my AIM alerts popped up while I was typing and I would have typed a few sentences before I noticed it....

Sometimes I just wonder how I can ramble so much on nothing, I mean if you read the above paragraph you'll see that it's filled with nothing but dribble, their's almost virtually no substance to it, unless of course you want to study me in your Pasch class... If you do I'd be quite happy to let coue examine me, since that's always fun. I'm having trouble steering away from a career in psychology which I guess means I've finally decided on my major at least my general major, now I've got to narrow it down to a specific field of psychology. I'm thinking sociological psychology, but I'm not sure if that's what I really want, I need to do some research first. What I'm interested in is how people interact, act, rationalize, feel, etc... and why of course. Which is really what a clinical psychologist does(which I'm also someone interested in doing), but I want to be able to apply it to law. I consider myself currently fairly able to do so and most people that I know agree with me on that. One of my many pleasures in life is understanding someone I know and helping them, without them knowing it... Not to say that I'm better than them, or even more self-actualized, I just mean that there are certain things that I'm capable of catalyzing in people that I think they need, and sometimes mainstream society agrees with me! (imagine that ;) For instance a few of my friends have incredibly shitty vocabs and horrendous spelling abilities, so whenever I talk to them online (where they have easy access to a dictionary) I try and use words that they may not be completely familiar with to help them improve. I have no fucking clue what I started to prattle on about this, although I just remembered so... oh well.


School... did anything worth mentioning happen? Well I guess a few minor things, it appears that one of my friends went into the hospital on sunday because he was having trouble breathing, he thinks it's bronchitis (no clue how to spell that :(), but the doctors think it's an allegery to cats, a rather severe allergy actually, so he's on some type of steroids for the next week, three pills a day and he's also using some kind of inhaler, not sure exactly what it does, but I think it's sort of like the ones used for asthma (the purpose, not the actual inhaler itself). I hope he's ok, because if he's not who the hell am I going to pick on instead of him :( I seriously hope it's not a cat allergy since I happen to have 5 cats in my house, which means he probably wouldn't want to get within 20 feet or so of my house... ah well, shit happens I guess and than life moves on. Which reminds me I still haven't made plans with one of my friends whom I've been meaning to dos something with for several weeks now, we've been trying but we keep on missing each other. I guess I'll beat the shit out of him later and make him devote his life to me ;)

I just posted (but not published) this entry, I guess I'm starting to get slightly paranoid about the computer crashing and the entry being lost, especially something this size. This has probably hit the two page mark now, and I'd probably kill someone if I lost it, or at least think about it slightly more seriously than I normally do. Talking to one of my friends, (who might even be reading this eventually :p) and he didn't know what a blog was, which didn't surprise me surprisingly few people do. Even though most of them probably read them, albeit not religiously like certain people do *glares at some guy out in tv land*. Hmmm, I'm running out of steam for once, probably due to my massive hunger. I really wish I could satisfy my stomach right now but I'm really to lazy and my family (who apparently wants to go out tonight for some reason that I'm not going to even bother asking) isn't ready to leave the house yet, so I've got to sit here waiting, while my stomach devours itself, slowly. (random quote just came into my head from camp, "Louise! Slowly I turn, step by step, inch by inch" and that's all I remember. It's from some comedy from somewhere, but the camp adapted it of course ;)

I'm wondering if I should just make myself some food in a minute or two, or at least turn on some music to distract me, right now my father is listening to Emeril (Emeril Live I think) and it's of course annoying me. Anything that has to do with food tv annoys me now 'adays (anyone have any clue how to do that? I've been trying to think of a decent way to say that, but since it's a weird form of slang I'm not sure how to type it...), since he started obsessing over it. He watches it almost 24/7, almost as obsessive over it as I am over certain things. The only difference of course being the fact that I am Batman... I wish I was anyone ;) I mean than I'd be rich and powerful even if I happened to have a horrible childhood, with my parents having been killed when I was around 10 years old.

Well I don't think I'm going to get anything else productive out of this session of free association therapy, or whatever the hell this is ;) So I'm going to call this quits for now, and maybe if some random bit of inspiration strikes me I'll update later. So till than I leave you with this very vivid, interesting thought...

"Let the bodies hit the floor" (Take it anyway you want to ;)

(edited btw, did a spell check since I forgot to, I probably missed one or two things but ah well, sorry)


Lifebane@optonline.net

Watching this cool proggie on tv (yeah, my 2nd one for the month I think!) Middle School Confessions, all about various issues that kids that age go through including, depression, sexuality, drinking, etc.

"I don't smoke, I experiment with alcohol, I wanted to try some margaritas, big deal" casey - 13 years old. Interesting character, I can't really define him yet, enough to describe his personality to someone else. He was described as outgoing, but it seems that he wants attention, positive attention as opposed to the negative attention his father consistently gives him. His family also appears to play by a fairly standard set of double-rules, his father won't let him interrupt him, yet his father consistently interrupted him in the few minutes the program showed us.

After he got depressed and started to think about suicide at which point his family went into a family therapy session and started to improve, He made honor roll this year. (yeah, no opinions on that, sorry ;)

Another part of the program was concerned with homosexual middle schoolers, their's apparently this organization called Ligaly (Long Island Gay and Lesbian Youth) (so yeah, that should be in caps with periods, but it looks nicer this way and it's easier to type too!) where questing youth can find some companionship, with other people of similiar minds and identities. It was an interesting look at what it's like for kids who are out in the open about their sexuality and what they go through...

------

Well, I typed the above up (mostly) yesterday, hit post instead of post and publish so nobody had access to it, mostly because I didn't have time to complete my thoughts, so I'll try and finish them up now (doing so to the above...) K, added some more shit to the above I can't decide if I feel like typing out more about the program, but I don't think I do, because I'm getting laizer by the second, but if anyone wants more info on it go to Hbo Family and click on parenting handbook, after that I hope you can find your way to it ;) If not how tf did you find this? ;)

Good day at school, but I'll get into my day today (probably) later, I need to relax for a few and settle down, recover from my long hard day of learning (says the slacker...)


Lifebane@optonline.net

time time time, ever spinning, ever moving, ever enslaving. Moving us as if by a whim forcing us to bow to its demands, to constrain ourselves to its schedule...

and I'm to damn absent minded... hmmm my eyes are really hurting me now so I'm gonjna head to bed, and just in case anyone is curious I typed the first line like 3 hours ago, so that's why their's such a difference beween the two paragraphs, also I must apologize for any typos, my eyes are currently closed because they're hurting really badly, so alas I wish you a good night :)


lifebane@optonline.net