I hate it when this happens, I've got a song stuck in my head and I can't remember any of the lyrics, except for a little bit here and their...
"It's the story... Round the world" all that I remember and I need to remember this freaken song, because it's so good, or at least it's good enough that it'll drive me crazy if I can't remember it... I've asked like 15 different people so far and no one remembers it, so it's time to search the net and post the results! My guess is that I'll come up with something technical first and than porn as the second result... Or it could be random articles that have virutally nothing with what I wanted... freaken google! Ah well, I guess I'll just shoot myself repeatedly in the foot, either that or watch Top Gun since that's on now. No official site for it that I could find, which is kinda unusual, from what I've seen anyway.

I think this movie is why I first wanted a bike, still do but I'm kinda a little short on cash (and a few other things) to get one yet :( Ah well, still an amazing movie. I think this and Hackers (yes! I resisted an urge to link to the IMDB (internet movie database) for this movie, I was link happy for the first half of this entry for some strange reason, ah well).

"I feel the need, the need for speed" - Maverick and Goose.

Such an accurate representation of the way I feel usually. And god damn that sentence feels long winded, I'd go back and fix it but I'm to lazy right now, Watching the movie while I type, which is probably not the best way to do this but their's worse shit in life than that.

Spring cleaning is this week, so we finally got rid of our microwave. I had to carry it by myself though, and it hurt my obliques like a bitch when I took it down, and I almost sprained my back when I carried it down to the curb. But at least I got to throw out some junk that I should have gotten rid of months ago, and the living room is starting to be livable again. Not like that ever stopped me from taking a nap on the sofa after school, or passing out on one of the chairs... Especially not this really nice green one, it's so comfortable and I just love to sit in it and read, especially when my back is hurting me, which thankfully is rarely now that I've gotten back into something that at least resembles respectable shape. Still need to get into a more athletic form... I'm gonna try to start taking up running again fairly soon, joined the Ymca a couple of days ago after letting my membership lapse for a few months :( Haven't even gone swimming since november or decemember, maybe even october although I doubt that it was That long ago... I need to start getting into shape again for camp after all, or else the kids are gonna kill me this year, last year I could barely take on 3 or 4 10 year olds at once :(

Time to stop writing before my family comes back in here, I want to try and relax for a few before they do... I'll probably update again later though, their was something I said I'd try and do but I can't remember what right now...

Peace

Lifebane@optonline.net

Thought of Penny Arcade Greatest comic strip site on the net, followed closely by 8-bit Theatre. Penny Arcade is mostly about games, and game culture (a parody of it, but yet still so true...) and 8-bit Theatre is more of a parody of d&d and FF7 like games. Highly enjoyable

Argh, very weird. I've heard people mention Shirpas 3 times today, no clue if I spelled that right but i guess I'll look it up real quick... well I was close, it's Sherpa not Shirpa, but ah well. Still an interesting coincidence, either that or evidence for Jungs theory of the collective human unconscious ;)

Almost 9 o' clock now so I guess I'll try and find something to amuse myself with for a couple hours... If I can get everyone out of this room, maybe I'll try the guided meditation mp3 I downloaded a few weeks ago, but I need some time alone, so I can be free fo distractions for at least 30 minutes...

well, I finally managed to fall asleep some time after 1 last night, after my cat came into my room :p After that everything is a blur... Tried to get up at 6 today, but I woke up at 8:28, 2 minutes before school starts. Passed right back out and slept through school, woke up at 2ish, got out of bed at 3 and had a klondike bar and watched Yu-Gi-Oh. Pretty good anime that's on WB, but unfortunetly they skipped the entire first season, which has a lot of character building within it. I think you can still get the manga of some of the first season at Dual Translations, just go their and click on downloads then scroll down to the bottom of the page and the link for the first two chapters should be on the right side of the page.

Did virtually nothing today, except sleep, talk and watch tv, but I did manage to find a cool site - and by find I mean my friend send it to me PvP Online one of a whole collection of online comic strips, I'll post some more later if I remember...

ARGHHHHH It would be so much easier to sleep if I could slow my fucking brain once in a while, to much fucking shit is going on in my life sometimes, and if I was any less fucked up I'd be stoned out of my mind or so drunk I couldn't stand up... I have a feeling though that if I went to school like that half the people wouldn't even notice that their was anything different, for some odd reason half my friends think I'm a pot-head and flat out refuse to believe me when I say I'm not, even the pot-heads think I am... I'm ready to bitch-slap half of them. Especially this kid who comes to school stoned or dead half the time, and than he has the nerve to call me a pothead? I mean come on, I'm as clean as you can get without being totally clean (I drink once in a while, not even binge drinking though man! Maybe just enough to relax, the equiv of a couple of bottles of beer, which is shit for a 200 pound guy like me...). Jesus my mind is like a freaken tornado sucking everything up from my memories and just bringing more and more shit into my head lately and I have no fucking clue why... Actually I have a small inkling of what it could be, but I can't really consciously accept that this guy is the reason, I mean this is just getting sick...

And I'm so confused
About what to do
Sometimes I just wanna throw it all away
Controlling everything in sight

Lifebane@optonline.net
dat's me...
the confused guy, who if he doesn't exert some Serious self-control is gonna keep on rambling, and rambling and rambling until I pass out on the keyboard Again! For the second night in a row... yowch... Night

Hmmm, apparently I've been mistyped the past few links that I've inserted, I apparently forgot to put in the name between the link and (/A) oh well, fixed that in my last post and I think the rest are fine... not like it really matters though, but oh well. Bedtime for me now, but I figured I'd just ramble for another minute or so before I went to bed, because I'm so fucking tired and rambling helps to relax me and put me to sleep.

I've been having trouble sleeping lately, even though I've been more exhausted than I have in a long time... it's weird I can't sleep anymore unless someone else is in my bed. For a while I thought I just wasn't tired, but after 3 or so hours of lying in bed I just realized I needed someone in their with me... So I grabbed my lil' boy and snuggled up with him. He's nice and warm and hairy, but his tail keeps on getting into my face whenever he turns around and it tickles my nose! :p Ah well, gotta go hunt him down now so I can sleep, and than tommorow I better start sorting through my fucking head and trying to work the shit that's going through it out...

well, Ksamradio was on last night and it rocked, played some of my favorite shit and a few songs that I sent in, namely Scooter - Nessaja and Peaches - Skateboard both incredibly good songs.

Peaches is a swedish band that I got addicted to through a song called Rosa Helikopter one of the most amazing songs I've ever heard, it's a really good song even just by itself but because of a few of my quirks it got boosted to the top of my playlist around 20 times in the past week or so...

Hmmm, saved this and went to sleep after almost pasing out over my keyboard at 8:30 pm... got back from school a little while ago, 30 minutes or something like that but I'm already starting to fade out. Got a freaken history report due tommorow and it's oral so I actually have to study it and remember who the hell this guy is for more than 30 seconds. Pyschology was cool though, can't remember if I mentioned it before but we're watching Alice in Wonderland and reviewing it's symbolic dream content constantly. We watch just about every scene at least five times. And a lot of the symbols are incredibly sexual, but it's so hard to tell what's meant to be a sexual reference and what just is... Like the talking doorknob in the beginning, was that meant to be a phallic symbol or is it just a door knob? Does it represent Alice's feelings toward men controlling her life, or is she just fucking crazy? Or stoned? no clue...

A friend of mine sent me this great site I Can't Feel My Face Dot Com really weird blog but he has some really cool quotes that make no sense, my favorite being ""Yes, Dave. You can see it, because you have the power of drugs."" and other totally random shit.

I feel like I'm starting to go into withdrawal though, I haven't written anything besides this blog (that I wanted to anyway) for over 2 weeks... except for some stupid poem that a friend had me write for him, but that was shitty and I wrote it in 5 minutes. Maybe I'll just post something on here now, help relieve some of the pent up frustration....

Enter The Rant Zone

Or maybe I'll just rant about how much of a pain in the ass it is to keep myself focused on anything right now. How much of a fucking hell it is to deal with people in any way shape or form after about 6 hours of school, 6 hours of nerve grating control, not being able to say anything you want to, to any of the people that you know just Deserve it. Having to repress every real feeling, thought or emotion that happens to consume my brain, having to shoot it down before it can actually reach the playing field. Stifling myself in an attempt to not stick out even more than I already do because I'm different than just about everybody I'm likely to meet. Because freaken people have trouble accepting something that's different than them.

Every fucking year I alter myself more and more, I change, I 'grow", as in I fail to hide more of my nature because it gets to be to effing much to control...

Sometimes you just need to bust out of your shell and scream that you exist, that you Are Real. A person, unique and special (as redundant as that is...). Need to curse off your friends and destroy you enemies.

But sociey makes up repress all this and than wonders why we have so much crime, so much hate, so much violence.

What I ask you is this: Which is worse, a little bit of individuality or having someone put a cap in your ass?

But society, but we all put it off choosiing to suffer vastly greater consequences later, rather than suffer a little bit now.

Leaving the Rant Zone

ok, feel a little bit better now... not much, but a bit. Actually very little... But I think I'm becoming overly redundant now, if I haven't been redundant for the past 5, 10 minutes. And just in case you read the rant above and are curious, no I don't plan on exploding... But god would it feel good (although I wouldn't shoot anyone... not my style, I'd do something... else to express myself). Ah well, I ain't gonna do shit so to fucking bad :(

If you're confused by now, than good. Because so am I... and if you're tired well than you're like the majority of america, that is overworked (god damnit I feel like everything I'm saying now sounds redundant, overstated and exaggerated. Sorry peopz).

I'm ending this for now I guess, before I wind up making the a planet out of this particular molehill...


Be Your Fucking Self

Lifebane@optonline.net

well, on the dream I had a few nights ago, I'm typing up the interpretation now, on here, live, this second even!

I guess I should start off with a few notes on it, because the first thing that comes to mind is My Brother (god it feels good to say that, even if I don't really have one) and to truly understand the dream, you have to understand that even though he isn't in the majority of the dream, he is the main character/theme of the dream. But as such he is also the most complex character in the dream.



My Brother is a multi-faceted character possibly of a dynamic nature with a multi-symbolistic purpose.

The first thing that should be noted about him is that he is in 6th grade, yet he is 13 years old. Now while that might be normal in countries where the school system works differently, a normal student is in 6th grade at the ages of 10-11. Normally this would mean that he was held back for some reason, but what this represents within the frame he exists(ed?) in is the fact that he is not actually a person (and yet he is, but I'll explain that momentarily) he is a symbol for all the different friends I have, that are younger than me, within that age group (10-13) and that I consider close enough to be family (aka a younger brother). Now I'm sure anyone who read this would be wondering what I meant by him not being a person, yet that he was also a person. Well within my dream (although I must admit I did fail to take note of it within my dream-journal) he had a normal, totally clear body, but most importantly he had a Distinct Face. The important of this may not be immedietly clear, but if one contemplates it, it would occur to most people that a Distinct Face means that it was an actual (albeit invented) person. Now the only reason that it could actually be for me having a dream with a real brother in it, would be that this dream persona is the personification of my desire to have a younger brother.

Now their's one other main part to the brother thing, that being what actually occurs around him and of course the rest of the symbolism that is linked to him. About half to three quarters of the way through my dream, immedietly after a scene change, I'm hanging from a pipe with someone else who was an ambigious character he was both my brother and I at the same time, and the character on the ground was the same way he was both my brother and I. Some guy was holding onto him (the character on the ground) and I think this must be part of the symbolism, someone holding me back while holding my brother back, yet somehow that person was also related to the harm (deadly I think, although I may be wrong on that aspect). The only thing I could do was drop down with the other guy and save him, but I knew that If I did that I'd die. But after what seemed like a long time but was really less than a second I decided to drop down and try and save him even if I would die, but as I decided that I just dropped (as did the other guy next to me) because the bar had given out (or perhaps disappeared, not sure). What I think that represents is my instincts. My natural urge to protect my family and save them no matter what the cost to me. But as soon as we landed, we were upright and the guy next to me was gone and my brother (the character that was previously being held) was safe.

I think this is about my feelings for him, how I would die for my brother(s). But the fact that he was up their also and that I was down their at the same time indicates that I at least feel he/they would do the same.

After this we suddenly just appeared at a mall/hotel (it was both at the same time) their were 2 stores that were visible from my view and 2 that were hidden from view that I knew were their, we were to the left of the exit and their was an escalator to our left. Our parents had just checked out of the hotel and we were talking, I think this was supposed to have happened right after the other incident. We discussed how we loved each other, hugged and than our parents told us to hurry it up we didn't want to be late. Well we said we would and than was just talked about seeing each other more often.

I believe that this is my desire to spend more time with my younger friends, who I see very rarely and talk to only a little bit more often (with the exception of one or two)
and of course my dream of having a younger brother...


All that I can post now, I think that is the most important part of the dream anyway, the family gathering seems less important to me... but I will try and do that shortly perhaps even tonight....



Something
Zelucifer@aol.com

yay, my mind fits one of the sig quotes I used right now and most of the song to, but that much is always true, that's a freaken incredible song though, although I'd say that anyone who's reading this is wondering wtf (what the fuck) I'm talking about by now. Well it's Superman by Goldfinger
the full lyrics:



"So here I am
doing everything I can
holding on to what I am
pretending I'm a superman
I'm trying to keep
the ground on my feet
it seems the world's
falling down around me
the nights are all long
I'm singing this song
to try and make the answers
more than maybe

and I'm so confused
about what to do
sometimes I want
to throw it all away

so here I am
looking older all the time
growing older all the time
feeling younger in my mind

I'm trying to sleep
I lost count of the sheep
my mind is racing faster
every minute
what could I do more
yeah I'm really not sure
I know I'm running circles
but I can't quit

and I'm so confused
about what to do
sometimes I want to
throw it all away
controlling everything in site

I'm feeling weak
I don't feel right
you're telling me
I have to change
telling me to act my age
but if all that I can do
is just sit and watch time go
then I'll have to say good bye
life's too short to watch it fly
watch it fly"

Grabbed that from . The site has some sweet shit on it that I've gotta check out later, but right now I'm to damn impatient and I've gotta get off the computer in a minute or so...

And for anyone who's to dense to tell wtf I was referring to earlier I was saying that I'm confused very very confused and when I refer to the throwing it all away, I mean that ambiguosly, although not suicidally. Some times I just wanna give up forget about everything, sacrifice my life (socially) just so I can do what I want to do, and sometimes I just wanna give up on my hopes and dreams... Hell I even had a lucid dream about this particular topic a while ago, I kept on trying to reach toward this person who I strongly care about, actually that's not really accurate, let me think it through for a sec and type it up a bit mroe accurately...

I was on this 'platform' I guess although it didn't really matter, suffice to say that I was standing on something in between to globes that were rotating on what I think is the proper angle for the earth to rotate on but they were both spinning considerably faster than they should be. Every second was a day and I think the one on the right was spinning even faster than the world on the left. The one on the right had something extra in it, not sure exactly what it was in the dream, but it was something huge and it represented a person that I care about deeply. The one on the left was just earth without anything special on it, and I kept on trying to reach towards the one on my right but I was scared and the closer I got to it with my hand/arm the scarier it got, until my arm would jerk back. By the time I got within a few inches from it I felt like I was having a night terror, I was so scared that I was totally irrational, my heart was beating over a hundred and eighty times a minute and I was screaming mentally (even in the dream) wake up! wake up! wake up! wake up!
and after a few repitions of that I eventually did wake up, but I was still in a state of semi-panic...

and that was perhaps the scariest dream of my life, I have had one other dream that has scared me in a way that was more then just startling or shocking, and I'll discuss that at some other time, but oh god just thinking about what that dream did to me is making my palms sweat... I'll try and talk about my other frightening dream later, if I'm able to. If not Hasta La Vista and Till we meet again and some other Cliche statements that mean the same general thing...


Some guy
Zelucifer@aol.com

Ok, as I said I would I'm posting my dream from last night, an incredibly weird dream that was so incredibly vivid and detailed it astounds me, I'll put the interpretation almost as soon as I finish it...
also their are a few little notes on the bottom that I remembered hours after I wrote this originally, so I seperated them since they might not be as accurate as the original plot is.


Entire family was in it, including extended + 13 year old 6th grade
brother that doesn't really exist and a few other people that I didn't
remember but were at least intended to be other relatives.

We were eating at perkins (more like drinking actually, I had a strawberry
smoothie as did the girl next to me whom I didn't know who it was,
Gerry my uncle in law or something like that was sitting next to me
on a bench. We were talking animatedly for a little bit but than we
just got hungry. Someone at the table offered to get a stack of pancakes
since we were all hungry and waiting (across and over one from where I
was sitting). Also the table shifted for some reason, originally it was
horizontal but than it became vertical and I think different people
were at it, yet I was still in the same spot. In fact I think it was
almost immedietly after I talked to Gerry, so it might have been a
different table that I went to, but I'm not sure. Some guy who went
to my HS made me a smoothie at the table, with some weird straw that
also mixed but it somehow caught fire on the cigarette it was attached
to, and the second time he tried the cigarette opening got stretched
a bit much. I left the table when I accidently did that and passed him
on the way outside going to talk to someone and I also found out that
we were actually going to eat our meal at Perkins because (I got the
feeling that it was actually because whoever was going to take us out
got cheap) we were all hungry now and already there. I think it might
have been my uncle Ray who told me this, I know he was in their somewhere
But he was looking around 20 years younger and he had a Huge head for
some reason (although not gigantic but still larger than normal).

Once the scene changed I was at some weird place hanging on a pipe
about 20 feet off the ground (might have been more, because I had the
feeling that if I hit the ground I'd die or at least get severely
injured) someone else although I'm not clear on who it was. It might
have been my brother or my brother might have been the person on the
ground, or even perhaps in both places. But the guy on the ground
who I think was my brother was with some other person who it felt
like was trying to kill him if we didn't save him (me and the other
person on the pipe) and so we jumped down to do so and for some reason
we didn't get hurt at all. and so saved my brother who I than
talked to for a while about school and af ew other things, we went to a
hotel and than played around inside doing various things, the hotel
also apparently had a mall inside it which we played in, right at
the end where the exit was their was an escalator and the last of
the stores in that part of the mall. Our parents were telling us
to hurry up and leave because they wanted to check out and I was telling
him how much I missed him and wanted to spend more time with him
and he told me we would but that he got out of school at 6 or 7 (I
assume pm but when I woke up I joked/thought about am originally so...)
and than the dream ended.

Later notes: Their were 4 smoothies on the table, two made properly
and two with large chunks of ice in them (as opposed to crushed ice).

I also talked to my Uncle Ray briefly or at least passed him by
but I am fairly sure that I talked to him. I did tho see him, he looked
about 20 years younger and had a larger than normal head size (about
2x larger than normal possibly more)

Also before I originally went to the table I passed Sandy who I didn't
acknowledge and than went to sit with Gerry

Well, I had originally attempted to post a message announcing the new direction of this blog and how it was still in the alpha phase of its development but apparently my browser didn't like that idea and decided to log me out of blogger so I guess I won't mention most of that, what I will mention however is that I'm going to actually try and focus it slightly more, with an attempt to update once or twice a day and with actual things as opposed to gibberish... In a few minutes I'll post a Dream that I had and typed up for my psychology class, unfortunetly I dont' have the interpretation yet but I'll try and get to that soon...

I'm wondering if I should add some rants that I've previously typed up to one or twelve of my updates.
Although I'm starting to feel like I'm to lazy to do it but who knows, maybe I will get around to it someday...

Listening to my 2nd favorite online radio station, since my favorite one isn't on at all times. Radio Seven that is, wonderful station even if it is in swedish. I understand not a word anyone says on it, but the music they play is all quite good, and I learn about some really good foreign music and some really good american music which surprised me, they play a lot of american/english music. More american than swedish music I think, although it could just be when I tune in which is usually around midnight swedish time give or take an hour.

well my friend sent me this link which may crash your browser (almost definetly will actually) but probably nothing else. Screwed up this window and a few others so when I see him tommorow I'm going to beat the shit out of him...

Well, went to check on my the other radio station I listen to, wondering if he was broadcasting tonight but I forgot it was tuesday, since I slept through most of monday... (Ksamradio in case you're wondering what it is) He usually only broadcasts monday, wednesday and friday but once in a while he'll do it some other time randomly. Quasi-local station but he plays good, cool, weird music. Some of which is very esoteric, he also plays a few local bands and I Believe he has an occasional 'local band' night every once in a while. He does have a calendar up that shows when he plans to play what, generally anyway.

Now that it's about an hour or so later I'm thinking that I might put up one of my odder rants, probably on God or ADD or something like that. Till I post again and as soon as the temperature in this effing room drops (feels like it's 90 something in here).

Some sweaty guy
Zelucifer@aol.com

"does anybody wanna have sex tonight
pure unadulterated sex tonight"

Well, so far I have virtually no clue what to do to fix the wordwrap, but I'm going to try and get one of my friends to look at it who should know what to do and how to do it. I was also kind of tempted to add a guestbook, till I realized that their was no point to it. Very few people actually use it who visit a site, the majority of people who do sign it either (A) use it to advertise their own website or (B) just make a one line entry saying something along the lines of "thanks a lot...Love your...!" and I really don't want that, if someone wants to say something to me, and it's going to be one line, why the hell should I bother reading it? I want people who are able to communicate to write me a message. If I had conversations like some of these freaken people talk, I'd shoot myself, but not before I shot them... So if some crazy person With a Brain wants to say something to me, they've gotta email me as opposed to signing a guest book, and if you're to lazy to do that like I usually am, to fucking bad, just wait until you've got enough energy to do it or you shall suffer from headaches for the rest of your life!

Some freaken guy
Zelucifer@aol.com

"so here I am
looking older all the time
growing older all the time
feeling younger in my mind"

Well, I apparently have to get used to the word wrap on this thing, or at least figure out how to manipulate it. Gonna try and figure out how to edit the columns so that it's slightly larger, I guess I should check the template file and see if it has some weird setting that it's attempting to implement. I should hopefully be able to fix it in a short while but you never know, especially not with the way my browser is acting up. Crashing like crazy, and when it's not crashing something else is failing.

One of the browsers I use Opera (I wonder if that'll show up right, haven't done that in a while) has gotten so corrupt (the files I have at least) that the back button no longer works, which I think has to be the most disabling thing that could possibly happen to a browser! I guess I'll try uninstalling it again and than going through my hard drive randomly and looking for files that are related to it (probably in the windows directory but for all I know it has multiple directories that it created, freaken proggie). But it is incredibly fast when it works, which is most of the time, except when someone tries to run flash. Or it crashes of course... like everything else on this operating system.

Oh well, guess I'll go work on this site for a few....

Some crazy guy
Zelucifer@aol.com

"And I'm so confused
about what to do
sometimes I just
want to throw it
all away"

This is the first post on this blog so I'm going to just say one thing, namely
that this is a blog if you haven't already guessed. I'm going to attempt to record random
thoughts on here, partially in an attempt to prevent my memories from straying away. But
also to inform the world of virtually nothing. Some bloggers attempt to contribute some
type of news on their blogs but I find that way to cliche (and no I'm not going to use
ascii or anything on cliche, because that's way to close to conformity). Originally this next
paragraph was part of something else but my freaken browser acted up and I lost the post, but
I figured that the random person who read this would still rather read that, at least more so
than this. The following paragraphs being about why I attempt to distance myself from things
cliche and conformity.

Conformity is staying within normal/traditional bounds. A cliche is an
overused or trite item, which means it falls under the bounds of
tradition.) The first school believes that conformity is not just
socially acceptable but socially encouraged/neccessitated which to
some extent is true.

The second school of thought suggests that conformity is the
most pressing cause of social erosion.

The third school of thought is of course that of moderation, suggesting
that while conformity may be a good thing to much of it just like anything
else is a horrible thing.

And as you can probably tell from what I just said, I have a rather
'small' tendency to go off on a little rant, also my mind tends to
wander. Feel free to admonish me if my posts start to become to
garbled and random to make any sense at all. I don't give a shit if
my posts are illogical, but I wish them to be legible to anyone who
deigns to read my writings.

Welcome to what may be a long lasting endeavor on my part as long
as I manage to not get CTS (carpal tunnel syndrome) from all the
typing I do.

If you wish to curse me off, send me gibberish or just say hi (or
anything else) email me at Zelucifer@aol.com (yes, I'm unfortunetly
an aoler by relation only though, family pays for it and my main isp
is optonline). Signing off for now

Some confused guy
Zelucifer@aol.com

"Mork calling Orson
Come in Orson"